I think my processor's broken...

I'm referring to my heart/head connection.

I've been stuck...

You know sometimes when things just don't make sense? When you try and try but can't wrap your mind around the "Whys" of circumstances or events that are taking place in your life? You ask and ask, "Why can't I lose weight?" "Why am I sick all the time?" "Why did this or that happen?" Or my favorite one, "God, why didn't you warn me about so and so before it happened?" .... you know those open ended questions that no answer seems to fit at the time...

Well, that's where I've been stuck...stuck in the frustration of NOT having all the answers...stuck in the PAIN of circumstances that have perpetuated heartache and aren't changing as fast as I want them to...frustrated with myself... my family...my God.

I thought if I checked off a few things on my "to do" list, that at least I wouldn't compound my "stuckness" with guilt over not completing my daily goals. This brought me to the last time I spoke with Dr Nina (my very kind and wise Naturopath), she suggested that forward movement, whether walking or running or any type of physical movement can really help with processing mental/emotional dilemmas. I thought that was an interesting concept and it kinda stuck with me so I tested it out.

I did not WANT to participate in forward movement (aka, exercise) today! I put it off as long as I could, but the pushy girl inside said "just get it over with!" I'm glad she won...so glad! So down to the basement treadmill I went. I stuck in an old Third Day cd and at first it was just music to move to....but then after a mile or so... just like God does... the words started to permeate my "stuck" places. My broken processor started slowly processing...

As I listened to the song, "Thief" it reminded me (and I was in such a desperate place of needing reminding) that HE exchanged HIS life for mine so that I can live a beautiful life... in every possible way -- every single day, starting today.

And in that moment, God spoke to that heart that was softened by hearing the truth. And that even though I feel frustrated ( and even angry) at Him in this moment because I don't understand WHY he let things happen the way they have, he can even overlook this and still love me through it...all the way through it...until I do understand. And that no matter where the gaps are in my understanding that he is not holding back from me. He wants me to know how to resolve these problems and heartaches and he WILL bring the answers.

Jeremiah went through many times like I'm experiencing. One of the times is described here in Jeremiah 15:19(Amp)

¹⁹ Therefore thus says the Lord [to Jeremiah]: If you return [and give up this mistaken tone of distrust and despair], then I will give you again a settled place of quiet and safety, and you will be My minister; and if you separate the precious from the vile [cleansing your own heart from unworthy and unwarranted suspicions concerning God’s faithfulness], you shall be My mouthpiece.

Well said, God!

Oh, one more thing...

Here are the lyrics that were so touching to me -- the ones from the perspective of the thief next to Jesus on the cross ("Thief" - Third Day):

"Who is this man? This man beside me? They call the King of the Jews
They don't believe that He's the Messiah...But, somehow I know it's true.
And they laugh at Him in mockery, and beat Him till he bleeds
They nail Him to the rugged cross,
and raise Him, 
they raise Him up next to me
 
My time has come, I'm slowly fading
I deserve what I receive

"Jesus when You are in Your kingdom
Could You please remember me?"
 
and He looks at me...still holding on...the tears fall from His eyes
He says "I tell the truth - Today, you will live with Me in paradise."


I started to worship God as I ran and let him know I would commit anew to trusting that even when I don't know....He does. And that I can trust him to bring the understanding that I need to get unstuck.